Cameron Urquhart – Deakin University

He’d already bought her three cocktails; in return she’d given him an unmistakable ache in his balls. He was running out of cash, but he could take more out later. More than anything he was worried about losing his place next to her. Maybe one more drink would loosen more than just her lips.

Jesus Christ, does this—

‘So anyway, I’m like super surprised they managed to um…no, that my ID managed to get me in here, like I only spent twenty bucks on, or was it thirty, maybe it was twenty fiv- NO! It was definitely twenty because I used my last ten after that so the guy who sold it to me would drop me back in town and he was really cute you know, like, um…not like old-cute like you I guess but like super-could-be-a-model kind of cute like oh-my-god but anyway so finally they let me in after I was standing in the cold for ages, I didn’t think the photo really looked like me but maybe they just didn’t care or whatever I made sure I wore something that showed off some cleavage so I looked a little older or whatever and then I’ve been having this cocktails and—’

—bitch ever shut up.

No longer remembering her name, barely caring in the first place, he now knows her as This Bitch. Without breaking This Bitch’s flow he orders her another cocktail and nothing for himself. He checks his beer. He’s only a quarter way into his second drink but it’s still cold so he doesn’t mind nursing it.

Gotta take it slow, don’t wanna screw it up with some lame whiskey dick.

‘—but like how could you even do that without considering his feelings, you know, like what the hey? Haha, ohmygod I can’t believe I said ‘what the hey?’ I’m so used to like not swearing ‘cuz I’m usually around my ‘rents or at school or whatever so I’m not used to like not swearing so I guess I should just say what the fu- oh hey, thanks for the drink this other one almost ran out, like, ohmygod you’re so sweet you remind me of like my dad, or my uncle or somet—’

I bet she’s wet. She must be, keeps moving in her seat and says it’s the booze making her awkward, but I know. It’s not chance she keeps showing more leg. She keeps moving like that and I could probably give her an examination from the other side of the bar. Jesus she talks though, I can’t even figure how long I’ve been sitting here. I don’t care how young she is, she owes me for those goddamn drinks. Four cocktails and she ain’t even hinted at a lay.

He weighs up the cost of the drinks with the cost of a pro and decides it might still be worth it. He thinks she can’t be much older than his own daughter but decides his daughter is a slut so it could still go either way. He thinks about her back at home with his wife and wonders what they get up to when he’s away on business. Suddenly he realises he doesn’t care. He never really wanted kids but the way his daughter is starting to look he decides it can’t be all that bad. He’s noticed her more lately. With summer coming up her shorts have gotten shorter and her shirts showing her little tan belly. He hears her sometimes at night when she thinks everyone is asleep. He isn’t asleep though. He’s wide awake and follows her lead from the toilet near her room. The sound floating through the wall and reminding him of the perks of fatherhood.

Shit, this bitch even looks like her a little. Pull her hair back into a ponytail and shed a bit of that baby fat she’s still carrying and I’d be worried about a paternity test. Christ I’m hard. She doesn’t help me out and I’m gonna die.

Ah, fu-

‘—but then she wa- OHMYGOD! It’s my friend Julian, I can’t believe he’s here I have like the biggest crush on him, and he’s here with his friends I’m just gonna go visit them but like, um, oh, I’ll totally come back okay? I mean, if I don’t, thanks for the drinks, but like I’ll try but uh, we have soooooo much to catch up about and stuff I mean like- HEY JULIAN! How’s it goi—’

With that she’s gone. His erection is no longer the only thing raging. The blow he scores in the bathroom begins to take the edge off before sharpening his anger.

Jesus Christ, I just need to get off I can’t believe she left me like that she owed me I bought her those drinks and she goddamn owed me because I paid for them expecting something in return and I don’t care if she wasn’t old enough she was goddamn hot enough to help me out but that bitch just wouldn’t help me and now I’m stuck in this bathroom and I gotta get off because she left me and Jesus she really did look like my daughter and I wish she got me off I really need to get off because I have been looking forward to it all night I can’t believe she blew me off like that she could have just blown me I mean we didn’t have to do much more than that I just wanted some goddamn help but that bitch wouldn’t lift a finger for me and I don’t care if she’s my daughter I just want to screw her when she’s making those sounds at night I mean I spend so much money and time on her don’t you think she owes me because I think she owes me I mean Jesus Christ no I mean that girl from before owes me or maybe I did mean I don’t even know I mean like oh Christ I mean oh-

Unsure of who exactly he’s thinking of anymore he takes matters into his own hands. His pants soak up the various spills on the floor but he doesn’t care. The blow has him too worked up to care if he’s making a scene. He doesn’t care if he’s too loud. He doesn’t care about much except getting off. The banging on the stall starts moments before he finishes.

The bartender looks disgusted as he opens the door. She wants to turn away but cannot move her eyes from his stained trousers; their sad pattern a mix of toilet floor and his own excitement. She begins yelling but he refuses to leave.

I’m just trying to have a good time and this bartender bitch is ruining it I mean Christ I paid to get in here can’t I just enjoy myself without these pricks ruining it for me—

The connection between mind and mouth is shorter now, these thoughts rushing out as the bartender backs away. She returns again still disgusted, still staring, this time a bouncer in tow. The pavement outside jumps at his face as the bouncer helps him leave. Looking back at the bar he thinks about his wife and daughter. His mind races as he tries to decide what to do with his next two nights away.


Cameron Urquhart is an author and critic living in Newtown with his wife and their ever expanding library. He is also the editor of Pulp ( as well as the co-writer of its regular column in Forte. When not writing he indulges in his love of video games, music and B-Grade horror.